The Ninth Circle of Hell is Reserved for Government Employees

"Please tell me this isn't a government operation."
-- Gene Kranz, as portrayed by Ed Harris in Apollo 13

Durante degli Alighieri,
Thursday, July 2, 2015

While my father - my Dad was in the Navy you know - hated Communism with a furious passion, despite having been a Federal employee for thirty years he held government employees in the greatest contempt of all.

The Monkey Wrench Gang

518-92-8663

C0225719

The reason I've been posting my social security and California ID card numbers all over Creation for the last six months is that I aim to make them useless for identity theft.

The Secret Service website advises us to "protect" our Social Security numbers. That there is any reason for us to do so is a design defect that I shall correct.

Actually I was privately contemplating whether I should publish my Social since I was notified in 2011 that it was stored in plaintext on a computer that was left in plain sight in a car in a large parking lot during the dead of night.


I figured my credit was already shot so I didnt report it to any of my creditors nor the credit reporting agencies. I have some realized that we would all be better off without credit as it is commonly practiced today, so I totally bailed on every business I owe money to.

Im not real sure how much I owe. For a few years I received a vast torrent of collection notices. Ive kept them all as I plan to use them for a found object ibstallation someday.

I havent received any for six months or so.

Two months ago Mom told me that I just got a call from "Susan" but did not admit to knowing who I was. However Mom did agree to take Susan's number.

Mom was concerned that the jig was finally up for me.

"Awesome! Susan submitted me for a C++ perm job in downtown Portland, no doubt she wants to schedule my interview."

Ring. Susan speaking. Your name please?

This is Mike. Got some good news for me?

Your full name Sir?

eh?

Your full name, Sir.

Michael David Crawford.

You owe us more money than G-d Almighty Himself. Would you like to get your balance down?

I'm not sure I follow your argument. Care to elucidate?

*SHOW ME THE MONEY!*

I puzzled over this but for a moment then quietly, carefully and earnestly said Susan, I have been out of work for five solid years.

Dead silence for a little while, then she hung up without saying anything else.

I expect she's paid on commission.

Its not even remotely true that I have been out of work that long, from time to time I get paid quite well but as a consultant I havent had steady work.

A while back my credit card company overnighted me a letter that appeared to have been writren personally by one of their staff. I had been a mostly good customer for 27 years then disappeared into the ether. I contemplated that letter for a little while, then sadly put it with the rest.

I am going to write them sometime soon, to explain that I stopped responding in hopes of saving my own life.

Its quite common, you see,mthat people commit suicide because they owe someone money.

I was sued for $3,000.00 during the summer of 2003. I owed a medical bill, I had no hope of winning the lawsuit.

Bonita and I visited a father and son legal partnership. The son was elderly, the father dead fir many tears but even so he still gad an office.

Our attorney offered to help us compketely free of charge then explained some manner of total bullshit that we could file in response to the compkaint, it didnt make a whole lot of sense other than something about "unclean hands".

That will delay it until you can figure out what to do.

The opposing counsel mailed me a lengthy questionairre about my assets. His cover letter explained that I was legally required to answer it truthfully.

That's not actually the case, we were notnyet in discovery.

So I dropped a dime to this shyster. He got all thrwatening about all the trouble I was in, and how things would go so much better for me werebI but to pay up, and quickly so.

Again quietly, carefully and earnestly, I explained that were he to persist, I would be forced to declare bankrupcy. There was simply no other choice.

His response took me by surprise: he started screaming hysterically, like a wounded hyena. I waited quietly for him to stop screaming so we couldbwork something out, but he was in such agony that he continued shrieking for quite a long time.

I hung up themphone, then lost by default because I didnt appear at my trial. I expect he eagerly attempted but strictly speaking failed to file a lien with the Owl's Head town office, but we foiled his clever plan when we sold our home to one of our neighbors then ran for the border.

Dear Ms. Perkins,

Enclosed please find GoingWare Inc.'s year 2000 form 1120 as you requested.

I write from Nova Scotia as Bonita and I sold our home so we could return to Canada.

Bonita suffers from a chronic medical condition. We moved back here because, as a citizen of Canada, she is entitled to free medical care.

Dear Mr. Crawford,

Thank you for filing GoingWare's year 2000 form 1120.

I have marked your account uncollectable.

I remain puzzled that I had to spend a couple hours carefully explaining QuickBooks to an Internal Revenue Service Revenue Agent. As I did so I prepared a summary of all of GoingWare's income and expenses in Excel. At the end she politely requested a hardcopy of that spreadsheet, then told me I'd be off the hook for a little while were I to file that 1120.

Every time I speak to any tax authority, I explain to them that the ninth edition of Inc. Yourself says nothing whatsoever about business taxation.

The IRS once notified me that I failed to file my Q2 2000 Form 941 payroll tax return. I pointed out that I was not required to. They pointed out that I would be doing hard time soon so I filed a neatly typed return with $0.00 in every field.

Again they demanded I file, they were getting really nasty now so I sent them another copy along with a cover letter that pointed out that the IRS had faulty software. That all my fields contain zeroes does not indicate that I failed to file.

I happen to know one of their software developers. The American Taxpayer paid billions of dollars so the IRS could spend many years writing better code, but no, it was not to be.

My friend the Federal Aviation Administraton developer says much the same.

I have more to write but a friend just arrived.

-- Dante