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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

I Have An Idea! Let's Eat Something Good For Our Heads!

Jonathan Swift

June 1, 2010

Today's lecture is drawn from a letter I just wrote to Jon Barbato of Manpower Profesional after receiving my final paycheck for my work as one of Sony Ericsson Mobile Communication's Men in Black, an elite team of debugging and performance tuning specialists who solve the most difficult kinds of technical problems with Sony Ericsson's line of Smartphones.

I was hired by my beloved manager Mohammed Ansari in hopes that I might enable Sony Ericsson to restore the market dominance that was taken from them completely out of nowhere when Apple came up with the iPhone. I made my widely broadcasted Letter of Resignation the very most adamant kind of Statement in hopes that I might get Manpower Professional completely dropped from Sony Ericsson's Approved Vendor list.

This because I was consulting through Manpower, and Manpower still hasn't been able to figure out how to sing enough of The Alphabet Song to sign on my paycheck's dotted line. Not on time, anyway.

Let's Begin.


First I want to thank you for paying me, but I also want to curse you for getting my health insurance cancelled by taking so long to pay me.

I have to take enough Pychotropic Medication to stun an elephant just to make it through the day. The medicine I take for my Bipolar-Type Schizoaffective Disorder works in just the same way as Lysergic Acid Deithylamide, Magic Mushrooms and DMT work. It's not cheap stuff by any means.

To have any hope of even holding down a paying job, I must quietly bring to my place of work, securely stashed in my pocket, a bottle of the very same kind of Amphetamine that the Speed Freaks all like to snort.

My medicine all by itself costs more than what my health insurance used to cost. Now consider what it's going to cost me, considering that I have a frequent flyer card to every psychiatric hospital in North America.

Besides Bipolar-Type Schizoaffective Disorder, I also have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. That explains both why I'm so good at debugging software as well as why I get so righteously angry at gentlemen such as yourself for treating folks like me unjustly.

Note that Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is QUITE a different thing from the well-known Obsessive-Compulsive DIsorder: OCPD vs OCD.

I was released from a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit at the Fremont Hospital in Fremont, California just last Friday morning. I had to see a totally new psychiatrist this morning because about a month and a half ago my wonderful Psychiatrist Dr. Justin Grey, completely out of nowhere and for no apparent reason sent me a registered lettter - that I had to sign for - that bluntly informed me that he could no longer treat me. He offered no explanation whatsoever.

I paid a $20 copay for this morning's Pshrink visit. After I threw my new Doctor's clipboard directly at his face, I drove straight to my bank branch to put a Stop Payment order that cost me $25. To be perfectly clear: it costs me five bucks more to stop payment on my doctor's check than it would have cost me just to let him cash it.

I'm just about to call up my case worker Michelle at what used to be my health insurance company, Anthem Blue Cross. What I tell her will lead Blue Cross to refuse to allow Dr. Shabata to direct bill Blue Cross anymore.

The letter I write to the California Medical Board tonight might not lead Dr. Shabata to lose his license to practice medicine, but it will for sure be a black mark on his record.

The attorney who I will consult in the next day or two will lead the judge in my medical malpractice lawsuit to scream at the top of his lungs at Dr. Shabata.

And for what?

All I tried to do was to explain to Dr. Shabata what my case history was, because I felt it was important that he should know WHY I needed him to prescribe me these potentially deadly and incredibly expensive medications.

He got so pissed off at me that he started shouting at me. That's when I threw his clipboard right at his face, then shouted at his receptionist to cancel my remaining appointments on my way out.

Before I go on, please look up the following Wikipedia pages to have a look at the molecular structure of each of the following chemicals.

The human brain neurotransmitter Serotonin.

The hallucinogen Lysergic Acid Diethylamide

The hallucinogen Psilocin found in Magic Mushrooms.

The hallucinogen N-N-Dimethyltrypamine.

The hallucinogens Harmine, Harmaline, and Tetrahydroharmine found in Ayahuasca.

The chemical Indole.

In every single one of the above molecular diagrams, you will see a pentagon with a Nitrogen atom at one vertex with a Hydrogen atom attached to the Nitrogen. That ring is known as an Indole Ring.

So many fungi are so powerfully hallucinogenic because, in a very real way, fungus thinks just like humans do: they are full of human brain neurotransmitters. That's what makes LSD so powerfully effective that only one hundred micrograms of acid is required for a standard hit.

What makes them hallucinogenic is the subtle difference between human brain serotonin and the neurotransmitters found in fungus.

The reason I'm not one of those poor bastards pushing a shopping cart loaded with trash down some random big city street is because I take very powerful medicines that are almost identical to Serotonin, LSD, Magic Mushrooms, DMT and Ayahuasca. It's just that my medicine's subtle difference gives me sanity rather than hallucinations.

Now here is why my doctor freaked out so completely today:

Do you remember back in 1978 when Jim Jones killed nine hundred of his followers by getting them all, completely out of nowhere, to drink Grape Kool-Ade full of Cyanide?

I knew what was going on because, despite being just sixteen or so at the time, I had carefully considered the question of just how Adolf Hitler managed to pull off the Holocaust:

The very worst symptom of Pschosis is that when one becomes Psychotic, the Sane begin to participate in our Psychosis. All it takes is one truly Psychopathic individual, and up to fifty million completely innocent Sane people can go to their graves.

But being just sixteen, I did not yet know just how Psychotics were able to pull that off.

The reason was made plainly apparent to me when I joined the Human Potential Movement in the Summer of 1984 by enrolling in the Lifespring Course in downtown LA during the Summer between my Sophomore and Junior years at Caltech. Lifespring was very much like the more well-known EST.

I got so much out of Lifespring and was so into it that I went on to their Advanced course and their Leadership program.

The result was that by the Summer of 1985, I was able to completely remove my hands from the three inch wide, heavy leather restraints that ambulance crews use to transport psychotic patients, cross my arms over my chest then put my hands back in the restraints without anyone ever finding out I had done so before I told a few people just a couple weeks ago.

I could have savagely murdered both my ambulance attendants and abandoned our ambulance in downtown LA somewhere then gone on a serial killing spree to put John Wayne Gacey completely to shame.

But I didn't mean to hurt anyone; I just wanted a quiet way to amuse myself to pass the time during my one-hour ambulance ride from the Mental Health Block of the LA County Central Men's Jail in downtown LA to the Norwalk State Psychiatric Hospital.

It was shortly after that that I left the entire staff of the hospital that Norwalk sent me to - the Alhambra Community Psychiatric Center in Rosemead - completely dumbstruck by performing Biblical Miracles all over the entire hospital for an entire month.

It has always been so transparently simple and obvious to me how to make Schizophrenics stop hallucinating that for twenty-five years I have struggled not with the question of why no one believes I can do that, but why none of you are able to do it yourselves.

This mornings completely bat-shit freakout by a highly-recommended Psychiatrist isn't the first time I've seen that happen.

Before I'm done, I'm going to get the medical licenses completely revoked from each of the following Psychiatrists:

The statute of limitations will prevent me from having Dr. Kahl prosecuted for attempted murder, but my good Dr. Hirsch is going to get four counts attempted murder, one count child endangerment, and my medical malpractice lawsuit will relieve her of every penny in her considerable possession.

That will enable me to give Dr. Hirsch the very same gift that she gave to me: I will cause her to hit bottom - and hit it hard - in much the same way as hitting bottom is the only way that an alcoholic is ever able to figure out how to stop drinking.

Dr. Hirsch is going to find herself 5150ed - that is, involuntarily admitted to a psychiatric hospital, if she's fortunate enough to be snatched before she commits suicide. She needs to be treated for a neurosis known as Grandiosity, but not the sort of Grandiosity as most know it, but the kind described by Child Psychologist Alice Miller in her 1979 book Drama of the Gifted Child.

I'm sure the good shrinks in the nuthouse will set my dear friend Anita straight, and maybe she'll stop trying to tell me I'm delusional for claiming that I am psychotic.

She regarded the fact that I experience delusions on a regular basis and hallucinate damn near every single day as the result of just not getting enough sleep.

This despite the fact that when I was just seven years old, not only could I foretell the future in my dreams, but all of my little friends were completely convinced I really could do so.

Just a few months ago did I finally figure out that I couldn't really foretell the future, but that I was experiencing the floridly psychotic symptom of not experiencing time in a linear way.

Now: why my doctor freaked out this morning:

Psychotics know they can manipulate the minds of others. Most don't know this consciously, but know it they do. They aren't able to make it through their batshit crazy days unless they can find some way to rape and pillage the mind of at least one completely innocent Sane person.

What do you suppose happens when a Sane person turns up that a Psychotic is completely unable to manipulate?

The Psychotic freaks out completely.

First he tries to murder the Sane person then failing that, he commits suicide.

Jim Jones and his nine hundred followers all drank Cyanide Grape Kool-Ade because some United States Congressman Leo Ryan turned up at their Guyana, South America retreat to look into their allegations of human rights abuses at their Jonestown compound in the South American jungle. A Jonestown resident by the name of Don Sly attacked Ryan with a knife. Ryan chose the wise course of action and so split the scene completely

Jones sent some folks after Ryan, taking his life as well as the lives of four others at the airport.

When someone finally came round Jonestown to look into what all that fuss was about, he found nine hundred dead bodies lying all around everywhere.

Because Jim wasn't able to control the mind that Congresscritter he did his best to murder him but knowing that the jig was up, he took his own life as well as the lives of all of his Jonestown followers.

I majored first in Astronomy at Caltech, then Physics. I never got so far as my Masters, but I did do some graduate Physics work at UC Santa Cruz, and I did it very well. All the Profs at the Santa Cruz Institute for Particle Physics were all over me like a cheap suit the instant I set foot in the Physics Department hallway.

I've done Astronomical observing runs three times at the Palomar sixty inch telescope and once at the Palomar two hundred inch. I've done High Energy Particle Physics experimental work at the huge particle accellerator ring at CERN in Geneva, Switzerland.

I never went anywhere with my science degrees but I am a coauthor of three papers in the Astrophysical Journal and one in Physics Letters B.

In a nutshell:

What Do Astronomers and High Energy Particle Physicists Do?

The way I see it, folks such as myself spend a lot of time carefully contemplating the world around us to ascertain just what it all really looks like, then a great deal of time carefully contemplating what it all really means.

Folks such as myself hope that by doing so we might someday, somehow explain to the simplest fool just what reality really is.

The good Doctors Shabata, Kahl, Morse, and Hirsch tried to trifle with a Sorceror such as myself in much the same way as Jim Jones tried to trifle with a Sorceror such as Congressman Leo Ryan, who flew all the way to Guyana just to check out what all the Culties were up to there in the South American jungle.

I know you're all going to think I'm completely delusional, but frankly I have long grown weary of Doubting Thomases such as yourselves.

There are a few who will completely agree with me though:

I Am The Sane One Among Us.

And I know that the only way I can hope to bring the lot of you out of the eight thousand year long world-wide Lysergic Acid Diethylamide Trip you've all been on, is to hurl you all completely headlong into the very same kind of floridly delusional batshit psychosis I hurled myself headlong into about six weeks ago while I was hanging out with my mother up near Vancouver, Washington.

I didn't need to Drop Acid to do that you see.


I Don't Need Drugs To Get High.

I re-entered my own Psychosis just by adopting a certain frame of mind.

I knew my work was going well when I was completely overcome with horror because I knew I was experiencing the most incredible delusional hallucinations of my entire existence. What freaked me out was that I knew I was hallucinating, but was completely unable to determine just why.

Dimethytryptamine is quite likely the most powerful hallucinogen that is used at all these days.

My fellow students at Caltech ate LSD like it was breakfast cereal. I know a Physics student in Dabney House who dropped acid every two or three days his entire time he was at the Institute. His largest dose that I know of was seventy hits.

Get This:

Not only did he graduate, he got really good grades. I have no doubt whatsoever that this gentleman is now a tenured professor somewhere.

But just once, my classmate didn't find Dimethyltryptamine, Dimethyltryptamine found my classmate.

After pointing out that smoking DMT was just like smoking burning plastic, the DMT went on to explain that my classmate had the wrong number of arms, legs, fingers and toes.

My classmate instantly agreed, but was completely overcome with the worst kind of horror when he was completely unable to figure out why.

Get this:

Not only is DMT found in many plants....

... DMT is produced in trace quantities by normal human metabolism.

It says so right there in the Wikipedia article.

I Have An Idea!

Let's Eat Something Good For Our Heads!

Please read before our next lecture:

About that eight thousand year long acid trip I referred to...

LSD is found naturally in the Ergot fungus that grows on rye grain.

Sandoz chemist Albert Hoffman discovered LSD-25 in 1938 while looking into why modly rye grain had such a powerful effect on the human brain. The LSD that all the Hippies like to eat is properly called LSD-25 because it was the twenty-fifth subtly different variety of LSD he had so far identified; I think he found a few more.

He also found Ergotamine during his work, which is the only really effective treatment for migraine headaches.

Bad trips happen so often and dirty acid will transform you into a dangerous Psychopath because the kind of LSD that causes bad trips is so subtly different from LSD-25 that it is incredibly difficult to separate the two when manufacturing LSD-25, whether synthetically or via extration from Ergot mold.

Moldy rye grain is thought to be the cause of the Witch Hunts of the Middle Ages and, if I understand correctly, also the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution.

Humans eat many kinds of grain. Every grain can get moldy somehow; many molds either sicken you, kill you or make you hallucinate. Some make you high, others transform you into a dangerous Psychopath.

Humans began to eat grain eight thousand years ago, but only a couple hundred years ago were we able to figure out a way to keep our grain from getting moldy.

It is speculated by many that primitive humans developed the ability to fabricate weapons out of chipped flint because they found Magic Mushrooms so tasty.

Eating moldy grain was So Good For Our Heads that only eight thousand years were required to grow from sowing a few seeds to completely vaporizing Nagasaki and Hiroshima with a couple baseball-sized chunks of radioactive metal, landing twelve men and a few dune buggies on the Moon, and my assembling from components I purchased at Central Computer in Santa Clara for three grand the Intel Core Quad Xeon box with Sixteen Gigabytes of FB-DIMM memory running Fedora 11 Linux that is upstairs in my bedroom as I write this letter to you.


The Matrix is the Dream of our Collective Sleep: one of our Metaphors.

But not my metaphor from which I must escape to regain my Madness.


The Matrix is a Metaphor which has in its deadly grip the minds of all Humanity.

The Matrix is a Metaphor from we must all escape if we are to have any hope whatsoever of surviving the coming century.

Try some google searches for stuff like the following:

Syria has a whole bunch of ballistic missiles that can hit anywhere in Israel, each of which is armed with a VX Nerve Gas warhead.

All that would be required for Syria to murder absolutely every single Israeli the exact same way that Hitler killed his shower guests with Zyklon B would be to spray that VX in a fine mist at just the right altitude when the wind is just right.

Everyone seems to be buying the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's story that his ten thousand Uranium Hexafluoride gas turbines are for the peaceful production of nuclear electrical power despite Iran's collossal oil reserves, despite the fact that Iran also has a nuclear reactor that synthesizes Plutonium as a waste product.

Everyone buys his Peaceful Nuclear Electricity story despite the fact that when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was Mayor of Tehren, he spent tens of millions of dollars preparing the city's religious and civic facilities for the Mahdi's return.

Now as President of Iran, he turns up at the UN General Assembly in New York City on a regular basis to pray for the Mahdi's return during his addresses before the gathered UN Ambassadors.

The Mahdi is the Muslim Messiah. Shi'ites such as President Ahmadinejad believe the Mahdi has been in hiding for fourteen thousand years. Sunnis such as the Saudis regard the Mahdi as yet to be born.

Upon His return, the Mahdi will transform the entire Earth into a Muslim paradise.

In its entire history, Israel has only admitted just once and in the most oblique way that it posseses any nuclear weapons at all.

Despite that fact, it is very well known that Israel possesses at least three hundred Plutonium bombs.

I would not require five minutes spent sketching on the back of a napkin to give you an incredibly deep insight into how to make a Hydrogen Bomb out of a Plutonium Bomb. Unfortunately, a certain Physics student who had a Summer job at a weapons lab made that same napkin sketch to a reporter for The Progressive magazine, with The First Amendment Constitutional guarantee of the Freedom of the Press resulting in that very same napkin sketch appearing on the cover of a 1979 Issue of The Progressive.

The cover story itself went on to explain in quite a detailed way just how that napkin sketch on the cover could turn, say, New York City, Washington DC, Las Angeles, Seattle and so on into smoking radioactive wastelands out of a Plutonium bomb, a slightly conical rod of Plutonium, a large pill-capsule metal shell and a bunch of Styrofoam whose hydrogen was composed of Deuterium and Tritium.

Now you'll understand why President Ahmadinejad prays so desperately to for the Mahdi's return when I go on to explain the Israel also possesses enough ballastic missiles to deliver all three hundred of those Hydrogen Bombs to any point within the entire Nation of Iran.

Just to make their point Crystal-Clear to the good President, Israel also possesses three times as many supersonic fighter planes as actually required to deliver all three hundred of those H-Bombs to any point in the entire Nation of Iran by booking a first-class one-way ticket at the airport rather than hurling them in a generally parabolic trajectory.

Being concerned that maybe Israel hadn't spoken clearly enough to Mahmoud, a year or so ago, all one thousand of those fighter planes participated simultaneously in the most massive military exercise in Israel's history, flying the entire distance to Iran and back - but in the opposite direction, out over the Mediterranean sea.

When he was governor of California, Ronald Wilson Reagan said the following during his address before a banquent for State Senator James Mills in 1971:

In the 38th chapter of Ezekiel, it says that the land of Israel will come under attack by the armies of the ungodly nations, and it says that Libya will be among them. Do you understand the significance of that? Libya has now gone Communist, and that's a sign that the day of Armageddon isn't far off.

Biblical scholars have been saying for generations that Gog must be Russia...

For the first time ever, everything is in place for the battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ. It can't be too long now. Ezekiel says that fire and brimstone will be rained upon the enemies of God's people. That must mean that they will be destroyed by nuclear weapons.

During his 1980 Presidential campaign, Reagan said the following in a live National Television interview conducted by Televangelist Jim Bakker:

We may be the generation that sees Armageddon.

After being elected President, Reagan had Televangelists over to the White House from time to time so they could be given National Security Briefings by top Pentagon and Intelligence agency officials.

Shortly after the Fall of the Soviet Union, I read a Time Magazine article written by a former Soviet spy who was quietly inserted into London quite soon after Reagan won the election. He spent Reagan's entire Presidency sitting quietly just across the street from the British Defence Ministry.

Each night he counted the number of lit-up windows in the building then reported the result back to KGB headquarters in Moscow.

Too many lit up windows, and the Soviets would know that Reagan knew it was finally time for him to fulfill the only reason Reagan ever considered joining his High School Theater.

The result of this quiet gentleman's quiet nightly lit-up window count would be a Soviet First Strike, the result of that being to completely vaporize the United States, Canada, Western Europe, Japan and Australia.

A few years ago, North Korea's first underground nuclear weapon test resulted in what Bomb designers call a "Squib Explosion". That is, their Bomb detonated, but didn't have a very good yield.

The North Koreans were able to convince everyone they were completely peacefully digging a sports stadium by setting off a whole bunch of high explosives.

A few years later, North Korea's second test was completely successful. Now possessing both The Bomb as well as a nuclear reactor that synthesizes Plutonium, the North Koreans now refuse all entreaties to give up their weapons program.

On March 18th of this year, North Korea blew a smoking crater into the hull of The Cheonan a South Korean Naval vessel, sinking it instantly and murdering forty or so South Korean sailors.

North Korea has for decades possessed tens of thousands of short-range ballistic missiles just on the North side of the Demilitarized Zone.

The South Korean capital of Seoul is just thirty miles to the South of the DMZ.

If a Korean conflict should ever break out again, not fifteen minutes would pass before Seoul became a firestorm to put the Dresden Firestorm depicted in Kurt Vonnegut's novel Slaughterhouse-Five, or The Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death completely to shame.

Perhaps that's why South Korea is struggling desperately to find someone else to blame for the sinking of their ship. There is no specific proof that North Korea really did it, you see.

While a work of the most batshit bizarre kind of fiction ever to have walked the face of the planet Earth, Vonnegut's book is based on his very real experience of being an American Prisoner of War who was held as a POW in Dresden's Slachthof Funf - Slaughterhouse Five.

Vonnegut survived the firestorm in a bomb shelter underneath the slaughterhouse. In the book, Vonnegut himself makes a brief appearance as a fellow soldier in the bomb shelter.

Not long ago, less than a year I think, a People's Republic of China submarine quietly snuck right into the middle of a United States Navy Carrier group.

After approaching to within torpedo range of one of the group's ship's, the submarine surfaced to periscope depth, snapped a photo of the ship through the periscope, descended, then quietly returned to China.

The US Navy only caught wind of China's clever plan when the People's Republic blasted that periscope snapshot all over the entire world-wide press.

A year or so ago, the Russian Republic resumed for the first time since The Fall of Communism long-distance patrols by the same Bear Nuclear Bombers that the Soviet Union used to send over the North Pole towards Canada, over the North Sea towards Western Europe, and over the Pacific towards Japan.

And just like in the Cold War days, the United States, Canada, Britain, Germany and Japan have been quietly explaining the error of their ways to each of those Bear bomber pilots by sending out supersonic fighter jets to quietly turn them back towards Mother Russia.

I think...

I suggest...

That maybe now would be a good time...


We would all do well, would do very, very well....


Just wait until you see what I have planned for tomorrow's lecture.

Your Servant,

Jonathan Swift
(but Jon to friends such as yourselves.)


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