[Home | Contact | What's New? | Products | Services | Tips | Mike |
Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

The Frog
[ Next | Previous | Contents | The Call of Duty | The Enemy Within ]

The Frog, Or,
the World of Madness is Round,
Two Essays for All Humanity

There was something about Virgil's voice that I found strangely familiar.

Jonathan Swift


I don't know how long I lay in the evening twilight. While not asleep anymore, neither was I awake. It may well have been hours. It took quite some time to realize that I even had been asleep, as well as to realize that I was beginning to wake up.

I felt a growing unease. My furrowed brow led to the widening of my eyes with the growing Horror I felt that something wrong. Something was very, very wrong. But I relaxed suddenly when I realized it was just my hazy memory of some kind of horrible nightmare I suffered during the night.

I tried to hold onto the dream; despite being frightening, I know that many dreams bear important messages from my subconscious I would do well to heed. Thus I keep a notebook and pen on the nightstand by my bed. When I can remember anything at all about my dreams, I write them down the instant I am awake enough to do so. Later I would puzzle over what the dreams might have meant.

Some dreams mean nothing at all, so that kind of puzzle doesn't always have a solution.

Something about a great weariness, perhaps from having gone on a long journey.

After a few minutes: No. My weariness came from some manner of profoundly taxing mental effort. Yes! I was sure of it.

Some manner of intractably complex problem that I was called upon to solve. Such dreams come all the time for me, in fact they are my most common recurring nightmares.

I tried for some time to recall just what that problem was, but was completely unable to.

Most commonly, in these dreams I find myself having been sent back to Armijo High School despite being forty-five years old. It seems that I never passed my Math or Physics classes. To pass the class and so finally receive my diploma, I must solve intractably complex equations. But when I try to focus on my paper the symbols all jump around. While you might think that wouldn't be frightening for anyone, for me these dreams always fill me with a Profound Horror.

I was never able to recall what this particular problem actually was. But I figured it was just another one of my Math Anxiety dreams. Because I have such dreams so very often, I didn't feel the need to write it down. Finally I felt completely calm and so able to relax. I rolled over on my side, took a deep breath and started to drift off to sleep.

My name is Virgil, said the voice outside my head.

There was something about Virgil's voice that I found strangely familiar.

Suddenly I felt thirsty, a raging thirst in fact. I was gasping because my throat had become so very dry. I reached my hand towards my nightstand only to knock my glass over. It fell to the floor, spilling all over my carpet.

I was overcome not only with a profound sadness, but also with an aching loneliness of such a depth as I have never known. I considered refilling my glass from the bathroom faucet, but being so incredibly exhausted, I decided to just accept my thirst that may get right back to sleep.

While every diety has the Insight to fortell the Future, I contemplated, even G-d Almighty Himself possesseth not the Power to undo the Past.

I opened my eyes then looked up at my desk. Next to the screen of my Fedora box sat a small frog.

He was mostly black with irregular bright blue spots; I found that quite odd as most frogs use their brown or green color as natural camouflage. Even more curiously, he reared up on his hind legs, held the palms of his paws before his eyes, then turned his palms towards me. After resting both paws on my desktop again, he paused for a moment then hopped off.

I smiled gently, the corners of my eyes crinkling. I know you might be surprised, but I have been here before:

I knew that I was already asleep.

[ Next | Previous | Contents | The Call of Duty | The Enemy Within ]
The World of Madness is Round
Formerly Two Essays for All Humanity

[Home | Contact | What's New? | Products | Services | Tips | Mike]