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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

Please to Forgive

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The Enemy Within: Concerning Application

It is better to hit a cat with a shovel than to ignore it.

Jonathan Swift
swift@softwareproblem.org

April 5, 2010

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The Silver Chalice

For many years I sought The Grail. Few were my hours of sleep. Thirsty were the miles of desert. Never was my escape from the Horror.

The desert is littered with the bones of those who sought what I did, but fell short of our goal.

An old man I once met told me that it held the very sweetest Wine. "Drink of this Cup," he assured me, "And ye shall never thirst again."

Many times I have held the Cup then lifted it to my lips and sipped, that I might savor its delicate sweetness. Every single time, for reasons I have never been able to understand, I spit The Wine right back out. The Cup slipped my grasp then disappeared before it hit the ground.

I reflected on this to pass the time during my journeys. I didn't know why I kept dropping the Grail, but I had some idea. I knew just what I should do were I ever given another chance to drink of it.


I wasn't expecting to find the Cup where it was next offered me. It accompanied a Plowman's Lunch at an inn where I stopped during my journey. I glanced idly around the table, but none of my fellow diners seemed to realize what I had. After thanking the waiter for my meal, I raised The Cup to my lips then...

... Drank the lot of it down in one hearty gulp.

Only too late did I realize just how cruelly I had been tricked. I thrust my fingers into the back of my throat, then puked that foul concoction all over the table.

Peyote! It does no good to vomit; just a drop is all it takes.

"Why?" I gasped as The Colors - Oh God The Colors! - began their deadly dance.

"Because you asked. What kind of waiter would I be, to serve you a drink other what you ordered?"

With a growing Horror I realized not just where I really was, but just who He really was.

"The first hit is always free, my friend."

"But from now on you'll have to..."

I heard the coo of a dove. Looking up, for the very first time in my life I saw nothing more, nothing less, nothing other than just...

... a dove.

Left and Right but not Up and Down

How can one ever know, whether one lives in the World of Truth, or the World of Delusion?

I'm not sure, but I have some idea. In the days of my youth my quest for The Grail took me to the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena. It was there that I met Richard Feynman; he shared the 1965 Nobel Physics Prize with Tomonaga for their formulation of Quantum Electrodynamics, which explains with complete precision the interaction of electric charge with light.

"A mirror has reflection symmetry," he said. "Everything is the same in a mirror as on this side, just reversed left to right."

"Symmetry can be understood simply as: 'You do something to it, and it stays the same.'"

I have not yet built my experimental apparatus, but I do have my hypothesis: which side of The Looking Glass I am on might be determined through Non-Conservation of Parity.

One has every reason to expect that the Laws of Physics are in every respect the same when one views an experiment in a mirror as when one views it directly. But the surprising, experimentally demonstrated result is that Physics is not the same. My memory is hazy as it has been many years since my studies, but it has to do with the radioactive decay of a particle called a Kaon.

Watch a Kaon decay in a mirror, then even accounting for the Left-Right switch, it won't be the same as watching a Kaon decay directly.

I have found a process that is not conserved between the two sides of my particular Looking Glass: there exists vast quantities of a miraculous substance Here that is rare There, if it is to be had at all.

It is known as Eidetic Perception.

I have long pondered a puzzle posed by Dr. Feynman:

"Why does a mirror reverse Left and Right but not Up and Down?"

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