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The Frog
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HOWTO Make Love to a Woman:
a Psycho-Historical Perspective

The greatest gift we men can give to our women is not our advice, but our Attention.

Jonathan Swift
mdcrawford@gmail.com

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Gentlemen, allow old Jonathan Swift to tell you how it's done.

I publish this as a gift to my good friend Lemon Juice, who need not explain to me the agonizing despair that comes from constant rejection by women. I myself know that very special sorrow all too well.

But I write this as a gift to a new woman in my life. I have the God-Given Sense not to tell my fellow Kurons her real name, so I will call her "Jane". Perhaps some of you will meet Jane someday, but before I introduce you to her I will extract from you a blood oath to keep her true identity just as much a secret as I keep it myself.

I will tell you just a few things about Jane that have me completely smitten with her.

I have always been so shy with, awkward around and fearful of anything wearing a skirt that the very best way for any female to attract me is simply to make me feel comfortable in her presence. From the earliest days of my childhood, all I have ever required of a woman is a warm, friendly smile and a few minutes of warm, friendly conversation and I am putty in her hands.

Jane was this way with me the very instant we laid eyes on each other. We became good friends just as instantly. I sought no more than friendship at first; it was only when I sensed that Jane might be looking for more than friendship that I quietly contemplated how I might make that happen. Forgive me gentlemen, but that particular courtship strategy will forever remain an enigma to my fellow Kurons.

I am very unlike most of my fellow men in a very important way. There are other men like me, but not many. One such man is the father of my classmate and good friend Tsutomu Shimomura, who I met at Caltech's Frosh Camp on Catalina Island in September 1982. Tsutomu's father Osamu Shimomura shared the 2008 Nobel Prize in Chemistry. Tsutomu's mother Akemi is an Organic Chemist at Princeton University who often collaborates with her husband on their research.

Tsutomu's Mother Tongue is Japanese, but being incredibly intelligent and hard-working, even when we first met at the age of eighteen he had a powerful and completely unaccented grasp of the English language. I am quite certain that Tsutomu considers the words "Ankle" and "Biter" the two very most important words of all among has vast English vocabulary, these being used to express his great esteem for the intelligence of gentlemen such as Kevin Mitnick who are always trying to get Tsutomu's autograph.

Tsutumo and I both dropped out of Caltech during the first quarter of our Junior year in 1984. I left because I was so completely out of my tree that I was photographing my Heaven-Sent Visions in the Sky with my friend's expensive Canon A-1 camera.

Tsutomu left because the Nuclear Weapons community caught wind of Tsutomu's extensive Theoretical Physics research work, published largely in collaboration with 1965 Nobel Physics Laureate Richard Feynman.

Feynman himself was one of the very first nuclear weapons designers. Despite being a graduate student in his early twenties, Feynman was placed in charge of the Los Alamos Computing Division during the Second World War because he possessed the incredible ability to numerically solve systems of differential equations just by thinking about doing so.

It is said that one should never trifle with wizards because of how angry we get. Kevin Mitnick made the mistake of trifling with a nuclear weapons designer who didn't even have a college degree. Tsutomu Shimomura really hates doing homework you see. I got decent grades because I was diligent with my studies. Tsutomu might well have flunked out of Caltech had every Nuclear Weapons Laboratory in the entire United States not started hurling job offers at him: Tsutomu fucked off his entire Caltech career producing paper after paper of original Theoretical Physics research instead.

"Wizards don't do autographs, you Ankle Biter," Tsutomu angrily and wearily said for the ten-thousandth time. "Presto," Tsutomu quietly said without even looking up from his e-mail. "You're in Federal Penitentiary."

Every man is attracted to women who are beautiful, charming, affectionate, loving or sexy. But the way Osamu Shimomura and I are different from our fellow men is that we are not the least bit threatened by women who are readily able to Bring Home the Bacon themselves.

Most of the men at Caltech had dated during high school. The vast majority of women at Caltech got their very first date only after their arrival at Caltech's Pasadena campus, those dates being with us geeky, awkward, shy but incredibly intelligent guys.

It is very, very rare for a marriage to last for any length of time if the wife earns more than her husband does. It is even more rare for the wife to be the sole wage earner while her husband stays at home.

To make me feel comfortable wins any woman my instant love. To be incredibly intelligent and creative wins her my instant lust as well. Make the mistake of showing me not your body but your brain, and I will go completely out of my tree with mad, passionate desire.

Jane's father and brother are the most advanced kinds of scientists. Jane herself is the sort of absolute Rocket Scientist who seems to require no education or training of any sort to take a job doing absolutely anything she sets her mind to.

She is so gentle and affectionate that I was not the least bit surprised when the told me that she was a gardener. I was completely flummoxed when she told me soon afterwards that she was once a software engineer who wrote code for Tandem high-availability computers while employed by the Bank of America. Both of my eyeballs damn near shot right out of my face when I happened to ask if she had a degree. "Yes," she replied. "Liberal Arts."

During a long phone call yesterday I carefully explained to her that I had the neurosis of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. It was originally identified by Psychologist David Shapiro in his 1965 book Neurotic Styles. Shapiro called it Obsessive-Compulsive Style. I suggested she look it up at Google Books: his entire chapter on Obsessive-Compulsive Style happens to be right there.

While Neurotic Styles has been in continuous print since 1965, it is hardly ever read by anyone other than advanced Psychology students or practicing Psychotherapists. Thus it is almost unobtainable at brick-and-mortar bookstores; one must order it online.

I thought I was hallucinating when she casually said, "I think I have that book." I thought she was the Reincarnataion of Mary Magdalene a few minutes later when she just as casually said, "Here it is."

Within this essay you will find a great deal of World History, some Theoretical Physics, a bit of Political and Military strategy, as well as a great deal of Psychology. I'd like you gentlemen to learn from what I have to say. Jane might have something to learn as well - but not nearly as much as you men will. I have no doubt whatsoever that she already knows most of what follows. What she doesn't already know, she will have no trouble at all understanding.

Every man's greatest anger is that our women refuse to heed our advice. But every woman's greatest despair is that their men refuse to just listen when they want to talk to us. Instead we struggle to fix their problems.

That's not what women want from us when they come to speak of what troubles them. They want only to unburden their cares upon us in just the same way that women unburden their cares upon each other.

Fail to heed this simple advice, and the day might well come when you are surprised to find that the greatest love of your entire life has washed down her full bottle of sleeping pills with that entire bottle of fine single malt Scotch that you were saving for just the proper occasion.

During the early 1960s the San Francisco Psychiatry Seminars puzzled over the question of why a phenomenon known as Failure to Thrive sometimes led to tiny infants suddenly losing all will to live, quickly wasting away then dying for no apparent reason. They were easily able to identify that the most savage form of child abuse known to man is not at all sickening incest or sadistic violence, but cruel neglect.

Fail to provide for your infant's emotional needs, despite diligently providing for its physical needs it will die of Failure to Thrive within a few months. Despite the cruel death of your own infant child, you will then find yourself strangely unable to get that worked up about your loss.

Your baby died, you see, because you did not love your own child. Infants require the love of their mothers' minds far, far more than they require the milk of their mothers' breasts.

Psychiatrist Eric Berne explains this in the theoretical introduction to his 1964 book Games People Play. The bulk of the book is a catalog and theoretical analysis of the strategies that such neglected infants employ to win the only love and affection they will ever know from their own mothers and fathers.

Berne calls these strategies Games, but only a few such Games are fun. Berne refers to these fun Games as Pastimes.

My maternal grandfather Howard Swope was such a Pastime player: despite being quite faithfully devoted to Grandma Swope, both of whom were the most faithful kind of Presbyterian Christians, he was widely known for his charming and completely shameless ability to flirt with every attractive young woman who ever set foot in his presence.

He was in his mid-60s when I first caught him doing this, with his wedding ring plainly apparent on the proper finger. But even so: every last one of those attractive young womaxn I ever saw my grandfather pull this stunt with was instantly charmed, then flirted right back at him.

Strangely, Grandma Swope never once raised the slightest objection to what most wives would consider the worst kind appalling behavior their own husbands could possibly commit. I'm quite certain that he courted my grandmother the very same way, but when he did so he was serious, not playing any manner of Game at all. I expect that she was jealous early on in their relationship. I don't know how he managed to explained that he was just having a little innocent fun, but by the time I came around he had clearly managed to do just that.

Most of the Games are destructive in some way; Berne points out that some Games end up in the courtroom or the morgue.

The very first and most complex Game in his catalog is The Game of Alcoholic. Typically it's a five-handed Game: the Alcoholic him or herself, the Persecutor, most commonly their spouse, the Rescuer, typically a doctor who takes an interest in treating the Alcoholic but who is strangely unable to make any real lasting difference, the Patsy, typically a friendly delicatessen owner who treats the Alcoholic to free coffees or the occasional mercy of a sandwich on the cuff, and the Supplier, most commonly a bartender who not only provides the precious liquid, but who is often a heavy drinker himself and so therefore understands the culture of the Alcoholic's community. The Supplier thus speaks to and understands the Alcoholic with great fluency, but there is a key difference between the two: being a professional, the Supplier knows when to stop. Sometimes the Supplier is even so cruel as to completely cut off the Alcoholic's entire supply.

Being vital survival strategies during the earliest years of our childhoods, our Games continue until our deaths unless disrupted by psychotherapy or some other life-altering event.

One of the most common such events is cancer. There is something about knowing that one has but a few months left that enables one to discover what it is about life that one finds really important, and truly most beautiful. Thus one's time before The End might be spent with one's Game completely abandoned, with one somehow comforted and completely accepting of one's fate. If one miraculously survives, one's remaining years might well be filled with a radiant joy and peace of mind that one has not only never known, but never conceived of as being at all possible.

Biochemical and Psychiatric investigation into the question of why our mothers' love completely prevents Failure to Thrive has now lucidly explained the theoretical reasons for a fact that every animal lover has always known in a deeply intuitive way: the greatest gift that any member of any mammalian species may give to any other mammal is Attention.

Both genders of every mammalian species hunger for Attention in a deep way, but each one in their own special way.

Human women want us to listen. It is only human men who appreciate advice - but not from our women unless we specifically request such advice. We enjoy unsolicited advice only from other men. Us men fondly refer to advice-giving women as "nags".

We might tolerate a nagging wife but we will live in misery while doing so, and we will seek out every opportunity we can find to get away from her so we can enjoy a little Male Bonding Ritual with one of our friends, typically over some strong liquor in a bar or perhaps a round of golf.

Women can learn to play golf as well as any man can, but women struggle desperately and with very little success for acceptance as golf professionals. Make the mistake of learning to play golf so you can spend some time with your loving husband and you will soon find yourself divorced. That almost happened to one of my very closest friends, but she was smart enough to give up the game completely the very instant she figured out that her man played golf for the specific reason that it enabled him to spend time away from her.

She spent much of that time with me instead. The two of them are long since history, but both remain among my oldest and closest friends. I am wise enough never, ever to suggest that the three of us get together at the same time.

Spend some time puzzling over and studying what I mean when I say that Attention is our most precious gift, and you will succeed in love. If you want marriage, you will obtain it. Children too, if you're looking to be a family man. You will succeed in business, in academia, in politics or the military.

If you understand our need for Attention well enough should you take up work for the Central Intelligence Agency, the National Security Agency or the Domestic Counterintelligence Division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, America's enemies will never be able figure out why they are completely unable to defeat us.

The most important weapons designers during the Cold War, you see, were not Lockheed or McDonnell Douglas, but the Think Thanks that are found here and there about the United States, most being near Washington DC. The most famous Think Tank is the Hoover Institution, a notoriously right-wing conservative policy study institute at otherwise ardently progressive Stanford University in Palo Alto, California. The most important Thnk Tank is the Rand Corporation of Santa Monica, California.

Among the Think Tanks' most important theoretical tools is a branch of Mathematics known as Game Theory. Game Theory guided America's strategy throughout the Cold War; I have no doubt that it guided that of the Soviet Union as well. Game Theory is largely concerned with studies of how we should respond to an opponents play in some abstract form of game, given the amount and quality of information we have into our opponent's abilities and intentions, as well as our understanding of our opponent's insight into our own abilities and intentions.

The most important Games Theorist of all was Economics Nobel Laureate John Forbes Nash. He won the Nobel for establishing the entire field of Game Theory with a single academic paper that outlined his ideas regarding rational strategies during conflict between two opponents.

Nash' life story is movingly, brilliantly and vividly portayed in the book and the motion picture A Beautiful Mind. Once one of America's most promising young mathematicians during the early years of the Cold War, not long after publishing his Nobel-Winning paper he was struck down with Schizophrenia. He spent decades tormented by paranoid delusions before he finally recovered. Upon his recovery, Princeton University reinstated Nash as a Mathematics professor.

By 1994, the vital importance of Forbes' simple insight into rational game playing strategy was plainly apparent throughout the entire world.

While the Cold War was not yet finished, the East and the West had stood each other off for decades with enough nuclear weaponry to put an end to all the life on the planet Earth, yet only two such nuclear weapons have ever been detonated in anger, those being above the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

It is commonly thought that we ended World War II by instantly slaying two hundred thousand Japanese civilians, then two hundred thousand more over the next few decades through the cancer that resulted from their exposure to The Bomb's deadly blast radiation and radioactive nuclear fallout.

But there are other ways The Bomb could have put a stop to the war in the Pacific without murdering so very many completely innocent people. Many of America's top military commanders urged President Truman to detonate a Bomb over Tokyo Bay as a demonstration of what the Japanese would enjoy should they fail to surrender. Every last man in America's entire military had by 1945 grown quite weary of taking the lives of our enemies, you see. To do so was necessary, but they were all very grimly aware that this necessity was a very Evil necessity indeed.

It is now widely thought that Truman vaporized Hiroshima and Nagasaki to send a message not to the Japanese, but to the Soviets. While the Soviet Union was America's ally throughout the Second World War, with America sending vast quantities of military aid to them, the Soviet Premier was Josef Stalin.

Josef Stalin was one of history's most gifted military commanders and most powerful political leaders. Karl Marx developed Communist theory in hopes of putting an end to the incredible cruelty that resulted from the Industrial Revolution. While Stalin was the most ardent kind of Communist, he was just as murderous a dictator as Adolf Hitler was.

A psychiatrist once diagnosed Stalin as being a Classic Paranoid. Just three days later, that same psychiatrist died of poisoning. The Gulag Archipilego was a vast array of prison camps spread throughout the remotest parts of frigid Siberia. Stalin had tens of millions of his own countrymen deported to the Gulag aboard unheated, windowless railroad freight cars, where the vast majority of them died of cold, of disease or of starvation.

Soviet Communism might not have been such a bad thing had Stalin not taken over after Vladimir Ilyich Lenin passed away. One look at Lenin's photograph will convince any American that Lenin must have been a dictator himself. That was absolutely not the case: Lenin won the Russian Revolution because he was not merely an ardent Communist, he was also a gifted public speaker. That shaven head and tiny goatee of his just happened to be the style favored by Slavic people back in those days.

A quick study of Karl Marx' written works, the history of the Paris Commune - history's first Communist nation - as well as the early years of the Soviet Union will readily convince you that Lenin was no dictator, but a Left-Wing Hippy to put Richard Stallman completely to shame.

One of the Communist Party's very first official policy acts was to establish Free Love throughout the entire Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. That policy was only reversed because a few years later, they realized that the problems of unwanted children as well as venereal disease had spiraled completely out of control.

I long puzzled over the strange phenomenon that I have always had the worst kind of luck with women, yet throughout the course of my life I have also courted - with great success - many, many women, all of whom were dazzlingly intelligent and creative, most of whom were stunningly beautiful, damn near every single one of them being each in their very own special way utterly and completely batshit insane.

Latin Lovers are widely known to be the most sophisticated practitioners of the Art of Courtship. Absolutely all I require is that I take notice of a Lady Latin Lover's unexpectedly lingering glance, and the Schizophrenic Flat Aaffect which forbids my external expression of emotion is instantly a thing of the past.

I am one-quarter French, you see, and us Frenchmen are the most refined and sophisticated Latin Lovers the scientific community has yet been able to identify.

This has been going on long enough for natural selection to take hold: where Grandma Crawford's people come from, little boys are simply not permitted to take a sudden, puzzled interest in their little pee-pees unless they are certain, but a couple years later, to take the flowers of their first lovers in one of their beds at home, while each their proud, beaming parents conveniently join for an evening out of celebration over fine red wine, some goose liver pate and those long, narrow loaves of bread the French are so heavily into.

But any self-respecting Frenchman would beat me to death with his bare hands were I to tell him how Grandma pronounced her maiden name. I expect her family was from the French colony of Louisiana, purchased from Napoleon by the United States because the Little Emperor was short of cash as a result of his historical ambitions. My father howled with laughter the day that he informed me of the fact that by the time Mabel Beauchamp's family made it to California, they pronounced their name Bow-Camp!

According to legend, the twin brothers Romulus and Remus were sons of the God Mars and the priestess Rhea Silvia. Silvia's father Amulusius feared they would overthrow him, so he had them placed in a trough then abandoned to die on the River Tiber. They were later found by a she-wolf who rather than killing them, adopted them then nursed the two human boys as if they were her own puppies. As they grew old enough to eat solid food, a friendly woodpecker brought them morsels to eat.

The ancient city of Rome, known as Roma to the Italians, is named for Romulus. The fact that Romulus as an adult murdered his own twin brother Remus is the ultimate source of the sadistically cruel military expertise of the Roman Empire. Any Roman enemy who didn't have the good sense to cooperate completely after the Romans occupied their land had the errors of their ways lucidly explained to them by the cold, calculating cruelty that the Original Latin Lovers developed for the specific use of those who had scorned their attentions:

The Jewish Pharisees wanted Jesus executed, but Jewish law did not provide for capital punishment. Thus they requested that Pontius Pilate, the Roman Governor of occupied Judea, crucify Jesus. Pilate knew that Jesus did not deserve such a gruesome fate: the Romans developed the cross as a quick, easy to construct torture device that could be made from the forests found at the advancing edge of the Roman Empire. One doesn't bleed to death when crucified you see: one suffocates, but only after growing so tired that one is no longer able to support oneself by one's arms, with the palms of one's hands and one foot being fastened to the cross with iron spikes.

Pilate had no problem with torture though. He hoped he could supplicate the Pharisees by applying thirty-nine lashes to Jesus' back with a rope. Stunned that Jesus not only accepted his brutal beating quietly and stoically, but refused to answer to his supposed crimes, Pilate symbolically washed his hands in a bowl of clean water in hopes that they would remain free of Jesus' blood. Pilate then ordered his men to grant the Pharisees' request.

The tale of Christ's crucifixion in the Gospels tells of everyone's great surprise that He died so quickly. Jesus died not several days later of horrible, gruesomely painful exhausted suffocation, but mercifully and quickly by Commending His Spirit - His Immortal Soul - into the Hands of Our Father.

The modern nation of Israel is but a tiny country, nearly defenseless when it was granted its independence from the British Empire. The Israeli Defense Force has a savage and brutal reputation for the way it conducts its defense against Muslim terrorism. But the IDF remembers all too well that terrorism was the incredibly effective means that the Jews employed to win their ancient land back almost two thousand years after the Romans grew so weary that the Jews were such hard-asses about refusing to accept Roman rule that they dispersed the Jewish people all over the most remote edges of the Roman Empire in the Diaspora.

One such Jewish terrorist was Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin. He happened to be playing chess when British troops came busting into his hideout. Begin requested that the Brits allow him to finish his game before hauling him off to prison. The conduction of brutal, bloody warfare in the most civilized and gentlemanly kind of manner was pioneered by the chivalrous British and French knights during the Middle Ages. Every British military man is thus steeped in the ancient and proper tradition of treating one's mortal enemies with the utmost politeness and respect.

While Menachem Begin spent quite a lot of time in the slammer, that didn't happen until the British troops waited quietly and patiently for Begin and his opponent to complete their game. I'm sure they watched Begin likes hawks as they knew he was a very dangerous man. But I'm sure they allowed Begin one last game as a free man because they understood completely just why Begin was so dangerous.

Begin was dangerous not because he was so strong or so violent, but because he was so intelligent. That's why the Brits made Begin's capture a top priority.

What is now known as the Ashkenazi Genius is speculated to be the result of natural selection, the development of intelligence being the method employed by the Jews to survive the barbaric conditions found in the European portion of the Diaspora.

Adolf Hitler was such a smart guy that he thought he could put an end to two thousand years of Jewish infiltration in the German homeland by murdering them all. The Jews had the Nazis cold: while six million gave their lives during the Holocaust, the first nuclear weapons were meant not for Hiroshima or Nagasaki: no, they were meant for Berlin, because nuclear weapons were invented and developed by Jewish people.

The Japanese only got the bad news because Hitler was defeated in a conventional way before the Manhattan Project's special magic potion was quite done cooking.

The invention and development of the Atomic Fission Uranium and Plutonium Bombs, as well as the Atomic Fusion Hydrogen Bomb were led by Jewish people. Most notable among them were Albert Einstein, Leo Szilard, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Richard Feynman and Edward Teller.

Albert Einstein was the most ardent kind of pacificist, but he understood very well what would be the ultimate result when his famous equation E=mC^2 unexpectedly dropped out quite easily and quickly as a result of his simple contemplation of how it could possibly be that Michelson and Morly were completely unable to determine how fast and in which direction the Earth moved in relation to the rest of the Universe.

That equation calculates the energy E one obtains by converting a piece of matter of mass m into pure energy. C is the Speed of Light, the speed limit of the entire Universe. While collossaly fast, it is actually straightforward to measure in a Physics laboratory. C is 299,792,458 meters per second.

C^2 is the Speed of Light multiplied by itself, that value being 8.987 x 10^16 m^2/s^2 - an incredibly large number.

When Einstein stumbled across E=mC^2, it was plainly apparent to everyone in the entire Scientific Community that Einstein had just solved the ancient problem of why the Sun has been able to shine so brightly and for so long.

Optical light spectroscopy performed by astronomers had long identified the fact that the Sun as well as all the stars are composed almost entirely of Hydrogen gas, with smaller amounts of the other chemical elements as well.

The energy from stars is generated throughout most of their lives through the fusion of the ionized free Protons found in Hydrogen nuclei into Helium nuclei. Helium is most commonly composed of two positively charged Protons and two electrically neutral Neutrons. A rare isotope of Helium also exists, being composed of two Protons and one Neutron.

It is possible to create, for a very brief time, the isotope of Helium with just two Protons and no Neutrons at all. The two Protons will repel from each other almost instantly, but one Proton might transform into a Neutron, its positive charge being expelled in the form of a Positron, the antimatter equivalent of the Electron. Now having just one Proton, this becomes Hydrogen again, but the Hydrogen isotope known as Deuterium.

The Neutrons and Protons that compose Helium nuclei, as well as the Positrons that carry away the positive charge when Protons transform into Neutrons all together are slightly less massive than the Hydrogen Protons from which they were fused. That small mass is lost by converting it into Photons, the fundamental particle of which light is composed. These Photons are known as Gamma Rays; they are of such high energy that they are lethal to humans if we are exposed to Gamma Rays with any intensity.

But the Gamma Rays in the Sun's core strike against the Hydrogen and Helium nuclei as well as the free Electrons found in the ionized plasma of the Solar interior. The bounce results in the Electrons, Protons and Helium nuclei scattering off as if they were struck by a pool table's cue ball. The Gamma Ray scatters off as well, but with a little less energy than it had before the bounce.

This process continuous with the Gamma Photons from the Solar core's Hydrogen fusion continuously scattering off the other particles in the Solar atmosphere until they reach the Sun's optically visible surface. The Gamma loses some energy each time it scatters, with its optical wavelength increasing and its optical color shifting in the reddish direction of the spectrum.

The surface of the Sun that we see is not its real surface at all, it is just the point at which the energy of all the particles has become low enough that they are no longer ionized. At that point the free Protons, Electrons and Helium nuclei bond together into Hydrogen and Helium gas. Now electrically neutral, Hydrogen and Helium are transparent to light so the Photons immediately radiate directly out into space.

The Solar atmosphere continues with greatly dimished concentration well beyond the orbits of the Solar System's outermost planets. The Sun's outer surface is considered by astronomers to fall at the Heliopause, the region in which the Solar Wind is overtaken and swept up by the incredibly tenuously thin stream of Hydrogen gas that permeates our entire Milky Way Galaxy.

Chess. Remember chess? Menachem Begin was playing chess. Let's get back to chess.

Chess is popular throughout the Jewish culture, even among Jews who aren't the least bit intellectual. Many of history's greatest chess players have been Jewish, with the greatest chess player in all of human history being an American Jew by the name of Bobby Fischer.

Fischer made world-wide headlines by winning the World Championship of Chess, defeating Boris Spassky of the Soviet Union. Being 1972, that chess match was regarded as a significant Cold War battle. Fischer thus totally humiliated the finest strategic mind of the entire Soviet military forces because he was only fourteen years old at the time.

Fischer is widely known for carelessly and casually adopting absolutely ridiculous strategies, typically opening in ways that any child could easily defeat. Perhaps his favorite opening is to slowly, steadily advance his entire row of Pawns all the way across the board. It is only after his opponent slays all of Fischer's enlisted men that play begins in earnest. Fischer employs only his remaining officers while his opponent still possesses all of his enlisted men and officers. Even so: Bobby Fischer damn near always defeats his opponents.

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Formerly Two Essays for All Humanity

The Frog
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