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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

No Fear

"I urge you to use your powerful intellect for the benefit of society."
-- Judge Richard J. McAdams
Santa Cruz County Superior Court

Michael David Crawford, Baritone,

Saturday March 17, 2018

My friends ridiculed the Honorable McAdams for saying that: whenever I did something particularly ignorant one would say "I urge you...".

I always took His Honor seriously. I never forgot how fortunate I was that he dismissed a whole bunch of felony counts in return for some modest Community Service:

To have been caught red-handed making high explosives in my dorm room at UC Santa Cruz' Porter College resulted in my being charged with five different felonies, each of which had a mandatory minimum sentence of three years under the California Criminal Code.

I at first expected my computer programming to be that contribution to society. I grew disillusioned - I'm just not a very productive coder. I write high quality code but I write it very slowly.

I eventually came to regard my writing as the benefit that the judge and I hoped I would give to society.

A while back a "mass" showed up in an X-Ray of my lungs. For a few weeks I was puzzling over whether I was ready to die, then decided I really was not concerned about my upcoming demise: I would leave behind all that writing.

I emailed my entire family then requested that, if anything ever happened to me, that they ensure that my writing is kept online - forever.

My brother-in-law Stanley Evans said he'd take care of it. He's into computers too.

In the end that "mass" turned out to be just a nodule. A CT scan and a report by a Diagnostic Radiologist found that my nodule was a benign calcification.

Now I've got a polyp in my left nostril that occasionally seeps blood. It's much smaller and would be far easier for a surgeon to remove than a lung tumour but even so I again contemplate my own mortality.

And again, I am unconcerned.

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