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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

An NSFW Review of
Portland's Oregon Theater

"Suit up before you play." -- Dear Abby

I Swear I'm Not Making This Up:

I was once a regular at the Paris Adult Theater. It was located conveniently near public transit, and was organized as a private club so that doing the evil deed on its premises was not illegal.

Occasionally a real live female would show up. I once had the opportunity to spend all the time I required to climax inside a complete stranger. After I put my clothes back on and prepared to leave, she grasped my hand then smiled at me.

I kissed her on her forehead.

You might not be aware that when men get their cookies, our bodies are flooded with a hormone that results in us losing all interest in sex. So I went home. I have since concluded that leaving was a mistake, quite likely the hand she took mine with could have given me a hand job.

To my great dismay, the Paris was sold then converted into a music venue.

That's why I was quite excited to learn of the Oregon Theater. However I was dismayed that it was located in a part of the city with which I was unfamiliar. For quite a long time I regarded the Oregon as hopelessly out of reach.

But then this afternoon I remembered that Google Maps can produce public transit plans. It turns out that I could take the TriMet #4 bus at 5th and Salmon.


Once on the bus I was quite anxious that I wouldn't know where to get off (so to speak). I was pleased to notice that the addresses of the buildings we passed corresponded directly with the cross street.

The Oregon is located at 3530 SE Division St in South-East Portland. The next stop after we passed the theater was three or four blocks east, but the walk from there to the theater was quite pleasant.

The admission was ten samoleons, which is typical for porn theaters. Strip clubs often cost more than that, despite that except for one club whose name wild horses could not drag from my lips, there is no sex in the Champagne Room.

The guy at the front desk told me that I could come and go any time I wanted once I had paid my admission. He also told me how many seats, couches and "gangbang beds" were found within.

The men's room is upstairs and is kept clean, with the exception of abundant graffiti offering anonymous, meaningless sex with a wide variety of men.

I was at first disappointed when I entered the theater. There were very few men and no women. It does get women from time to time because during my researches I found a post by some guy who brings his wife there when they want to "get freaky".

I sat in a chair on the aisle about halfway to the screen, dropped my pants to my ankles then gave the monkey the spanking he so richly deserved.

But for a while it seemed that were I get to get off during my visit, I wouldn't have any help doing it.

Eventually a man walked by then sat two seats away from me - that is, with an empty seat between us.

Here I must explain porn theater ettiquette: one doesn't sit directly next to other patrons but must have empty some seats between the two men. That enables one to express his interest in totally anonymous, meaningless sex by getting up then moving closer.

Often there are more empty seats between me and my hope to obtain a blowjob, so we each move closer by one seat, then when we've both communicated our consent that way, we both sit right next to each other.

As soon as I sat next to someone whose name will be forgotten by history, he stretched out his hand then gave me a very pleasant hand job.

I at first thought a hand job was all I would get but to my great delight he got down on his knees directly in front of me.

Now I must remind you that Welbutrin can cause Anorgasmia. I cut my dose in half for about a month so I could get my cookies back, but realized last weekend that I was getting depressed again, so I've gone back to the dose my witch doctor originally prescribed.

I was concerned that I would tire him out before I came anywhere near what all men desire but few obtain. I actually did just that a couple weeks ago at Hawk's PDX.

But no he had the patience of Job and so redoubled his efforts by giving me a hand job and a blowjob at the very same time.

I took quite a long time to blow my wad, but when I did so, I jizzed in his mouth. To come in someone's mouth is my very favorite way of feeling the Earth move.

After we were done he thanked me, got up then sat several seats away. You see, many men feel it is better to give than to receive.

As I was putting my pants back on I realized my wallet was missing. I didn't see it anywhere then realized I was quite hateful but for a moment as I considered whether blowing my load in his mouth was just a cover while he picked my pocket.

But no, as I was looking around I happened to kick my wallet a little ways and so found it in the darkness. Had I lost it it would not have been a big deal but would have been a PITA to get all the cards replaced.

On the way out I asked for a Coke. The guy at the front desk advised me they were serving RC Cola from a name-brand Coke machine.

"That's OK," I replied, "I like RC too".

Overall I would rate my experience as three out of five money shots.

tl;dr: Would fap again.

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