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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

I Live a Secret Life

The skeletons in my family's closets have skeletons in their own closets.

Wednesday, January 23, 2018
Michael David Crawford

Elena, my new therapist, at our first session asked me what my sexual orientation was.

"Bisexual. I can have sex any time I want provided it's with a man."

That is the Gospel Truth.

I have met two highly-closeted bisexual men who were both Mormons as well as married. One of them was a Deacon of his church; he had seven children.

I go to all manner of effort to find a woman who will love me, with only very rare success. But I have taken part in completely anonymous sex with men who I know for less than fifteen minutes apiece.

I came out to Bonita early on when we were starting to date, but she was the only one for over ten years,

The most active I have ever been was while I worked for Sony Ericsson on the San Francisco peninsula near the San Mateo bridge.

I would leave work at lunch, go to a porn shop then have a hookup with some stranger, then I'd eat lunch in a restaurant and return to work.

When I got off work I'd hook up again.

My maternal grandfather committed suicide after being arrested for soliciting gay sex from an undercover cop in a park's public restroom. He was charged with what at the time was felony sodomy.

His bail was set at $10,000 - 1948 dollars. But Grandpa Speelmon was the chief surgeon for Deaconess Hospital in Spokane, and therefore quite wealthy. He bailed himself out within the hour without even trying to contact a bail bond company.

Later that afternoon he was found dead in a rented boat out in the middle of a lake. He totally stymied the Spokane County Medical Examiner until "advanced chemical testing" - according to a certain newspaper - found that he died of an Insulin overdose.

My mother and her twin sister were only seven years old when their father died. To this day they remain convinced that he had a heart attack. I found a scant few sentences about the real cause of his death at Google Books, in Police Files: The Spokane Experience.

The skeletons in my family's closets have skeletons in their own closets: I have a half brother who I have never even been allowed to meet. I have a Cousin Chuck and a Brother Chuck: Charles Albert Crawford. Even if he is still alive I have no clue as to how to find him.

Quite recently I met a new friend and professional colleague. We told each other that we were bisexaul, at which point he started pressuring me to get into a sexual relationship with him.

He sent me some emails that were grossly out of bounds for a new friend.

I asked for advice in a dating group on Facebook then emailed him to say "I do not want a romantic relationship with you. I do not want a sexual relationship with you. I'm that way with every man, it's not just you."

Sometimes I go to swing clubs. There are some that will admit unaccompanied men.

It's very common for swingers to be married. There is one such couple who drive around the country in an RV so they can enjoy "The Lifestyle" by visiting every swing club the walks the Earth.

Sometimes I am a customer for a Lady Of The Evening.

There was one such Lady who said "Let's be friends". I met her for coffee a couple weeks later. I asked her why she sought my friendship. Among other things she told me I had "a healing touch".

There was another who gave me a "Freebie".

Hawk's PDX is a gay bathhouse in Portland. Sometimes I go there with my computer, pay for a $3 locker where I stash my clothes and my computer, take a long shower, put my clothes on then spend the rest of the night working on my iPhone App.

I Am Absolutely Serious.

I'm not all the way out of the closet in that I came out to only two community websites for software engineers. I don't say anything on Facebook despite that a close friend of mine is quite an effective bisexual political activist.

I never tell anyone that I meet in person.

I came out to Bonita early on when we were dating. She was completely cool with it provided I never cheated on her with a man. I never cheated at all, neither men nor women.

I possess a truly vast quantity of digital pornography, most of it downloaded from The Pirate Bay with BitTorrent.

I am searching for movies that I saw in theatres back in the days of my misspent youth. So far I've found three. I don't remember the names of any of the movies but I know the names of most of each movie's cast.

I'm having quite a lot more success finding copies of the magazines that "I read for their insightful articles". It's quite easy to find and cheap to purchase Playboy as far back as the 1960's. There are lots of places that sell old Playboys. But it is far more difficult to find Penthouse.

But they can be found, and so I really am able to relive the days of my misspent youth in which I read magazines for their insightful articles.

"All I every really wanted was a house, children and a man to love me."
-- Colleen Marie Applegate

The stage name of my very favorite actress was Shauna Grant. Her real name was Colleen Marie Applegate. During her film career she was in great demand and so enjoyed such luxuries as being driven around in limousines.

But all the men she was with said that having sex with Shauna Grant was just "like fucking the dead".


She managed to get out of porn, then worked in a store owned by her dealer as a front for his drug sales. She announced that she was moving back to her home in Minnesota and was engaged to a college student.

Collen's dealer got busted, thereby cutting off her supply.

It is widely claimed that Colleen committed suicide at the age of 21, but the circumstances of her death were quite suspicious. There were four witnesses who were never questioned by the police. The Medical Examiner never even looked at her corpse.

Colleen's parents sold her story for a TV movie, than used that money to buy a headstone for Colleen's grave.



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