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Living with Schizoaffective Disorder

HOWTO Launder Money
on the Internet

"We have our own orphanage!"
-- Russian Child Pornography Website

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Michael David Crawford, Baritone,

Copyright © 2012 Michael David Crawford. All Rights Reserved.

Note: Because I hope to contribute this asset protection tutorial to The Linux Documentation Project, I will ultimately place it under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike license, but not until I'm completely happy with my final draft.

You could really help a Brother out were you to post your constructive criticism at Kuro5hin.

I Am Eternally In Your Debt.

-- Mike

I'd make a great Mafioso if I weren't so squeamish about Cement Overshoes. :-D

A little bird lit on my window sill as I was having my morning coffee today to explain Barbados Bearer Bond Corporations.

I don't know the procedure for actually incorporating, but I expect there are services in Barbados that will handle it for you for a reasonable price.

Barbados Bearer Bond Corporations are Legal People just like the United States Disney and Heartst corporations, but when one incorporates one, one is issued a bond by the Government of Barbados.

Whoever physically posseses that bond owns the corporation, so be sure to keep it in a safe place.

ProTip: don't put it in a safe deposit box; The Man can legally drill out your lock if they obtain a search warrant. Instead, when you don't actively need to use it, pack it securely in a strong, leakproof container, then bury it three feet underground out in the woods somewhere, while noting your location with a GPS.

Once you have incorporated, your Bearer Bond Corporation can be the legal holder of a bank account. I suggest you don't open that account in the United States. I don't know about Barbados in particular, but many Caribbean nations have strict bank secrecy laws. They don't have taxes either. I understand Lichtenstein is that way if you live in Europe.

Once you have that bank account, you can receive wire transfers, EFTs and paypals.

Now you need to find a way to register a domain name anonymously. I looked into that a while back, and found some registrars that pointed out they were not beholden to United States Legal Authorities, but those registrars were in law-abiding nations, and so would be vulnerable were they to be served with a warrant by their own government. One way to do it would be to set up a second bearer bond corporation, so it could be the registrant. Slashdot once reported that Turkey permits anonymous registration, but I haven't yet looked into it.

Now you need an anonymous web hosting service. There are lots of those; they will accept payment by international money order. Just be careful not to get your fingerprints on the money order, its envelope or your cover letter. I recommend PRQ of Sweden; they will host anything that's legal in Sweden, and have their own full-time legal staff to fight takedown orders; I've been doing business with PRQ - under my real name - since 2010 and cannot recommend them highly enough.

Now you set up a completely legitimate website that monetizes itself in some way that doesn't require disclosing your true identity. A real good way would be to post Software Engineering Tutorials, then get Slashdotted once you build out your site. It's not that your Slashdotting will bring your site revenue, but that all the "organic links" that result will boost the SEO of your site, so that at a later time, it will actually get more visits every day as a result of search engine referrals than it did from your Slashdotting.

So don't be in a hurry to monetize your site. If you really are in a hurry to hide your assets, fly over to Amsterdam, buy a bunch of diamonds, then leave them deeply buried underground somewhere within the European Community - so you don't face customs inspection with a pocket full of Rocks, you see. Whenever you need some cash, dig them back up, keep a few with you then sell them for cash in Amsterdam.

You would do well to build several different sites, each on a widely different topic. Each will attract a distinctly different clientele, and its hard to know ahead of time what topic for a site will pay off. Whatever you do, you want a low-maintenance site, because you don't want to have to hire a webmaster to look after your money laundering operation. Every single one of my own sites consists entirely of static documents; the closest thing I come to a web application is that I now use Apache Server Side Includes for common elements like my site navigation.

Once you have at least one successful site with lots of inbound links, you can commence your money laundering. What you do is spend your money to advertise not your own sites, but sites that link to yours. Don't be too obvious about it; a real good way would be to find a message board on an appealing topic that does not yet have a lot of members, then promote that website. As its SEO grows, because Link Popularity - of which Google PageRank is a specific example - is transitive, if I link to your site, and you spend money to make my site popular, much of your investment will result in my site making your site more popular than it otherwise would be.

If You Know What You Are Doing Google AdSense is the very best paid advertising there is, but only if you know what you are doing. I once bid on an exact phrase match query with AdSense that consisted of but two short, simple words. One does that by placing one's keywords in quotes, like "blue widgets". I got one click that set me back a dime. That AdSense ad's second click also cost me ten cents, but resulted in a thirty thousand dollar custom software development contract.

(Wild horses would not drag those two short, simple words from my lips. I might need to use them again.)

Don't buy the pack of lies that the online advertising vendors feed you, that the purpose of advertising is to drive traffic to your site. No. The purpose of advertising is to drive conversions - in my case, closed consulting contracts. Before I clued in to that fact I was blowing over three hundred dollars per month on AdSense.

So now you've got a really, really popular, high PageRank, low Alexa Rank site that is cheap to operate because it consists of naught but static documents. You sure don't want a message board because you'd have to moderate it.

How to monetize it?

Sell links to other sites that at least appear legitimate. A good way to do that would be to accept pay for writing tutorials on products that are in your site's area of specialty anyway. Suppose you have a popular software tutorial site; I bet the chances are pretty good you could convince our friends in Redmond to pay you to write a study guide for Microsoft Ceritification Exams. There are lots of developer tools that are really, really useful, but not well known because their vendors are technically adept but clueless about business. Solicit them to pay you to write tutorials about their products.

Accept payment via paypal then drop it right into your Bolt Hole in Lichtenstein.

As your web of deceipt grows, you can create more and more shell corporations with more and more anonymously numbered bank accounts. Lather, Rinse, Repeat but most importantly:

Don't ever forget where you buried your bearer bonds!

Michael David Crawford, who just got a price put on his head by the Obama Administration.

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